If you just let go a little, life could be so sweet.
Looking back over 2013, one particular day really sticks in my mind. It was late August, and one of my last days in London before I set off some 3,500 miles to spend my third year of uni abroad. I’d woken up late, so got ready hurriedly before rushing onto a bus and into Soho. I met up with two of my closest, loveliest friends at The Breakfast Club, where we set the world to rights over pancakes and poached eggs. After spending the afternoon wandering Oxford Street – I bought boots and a jumper, despite the 20 degree heat- we watched the sun go down in Covent Garden. With our respective partners, copious bottles of wine and cider, we watched the tourists go by, gossiped, and (obviously) instagrammed it all. The night ended with us stumbling into Shake Shack and inhaling our burgers, chips and ice cream. A perfect day right? Everyone loves a spontaneous day out, revolving around clothes, booze and food. In fact, the ‘blogosphere’ is filled with fashion bloggers wolfing down their Byron Burgers and epic ‘Slutty Brownies’.
But it was also a milestone for me: before then, I hadn’t eaten a burger in about 7 years. A third of my life. This isn’t because I’m a vegetarian, but because I suffer from an eating disorder. Since the age of 11, I’ve dealt with constant anxiety surrounding food- including a stint in hospital. I am now ‘functioning’: I am no longer dangerously thin- although I am pretty damn skinny, I go to a good uni (I’m currently studying abroad), I have friends, a boyfriend, and a family I adore. But this controlling voice is constantly in the back of my mind, telling me what I can and cannot eat. And I am, frankly, sick of it. I want more Shake Shack days. I want to smile when I look in the mirror. I want to be able to sit in the library and write an essay, without worrying about what I’ve just had for lunch. I want to stand up for women’s rights, without feeling like a fraud because I am so self-deprecating. I want to, when the time is right, have a family.
So this is going to be my little corner of the internet, that I’d like to fill with bits and pieces of fashion, feminism, and general lifestyle stuff, as well tracking my progress in shaking off that voice. How I plan on doing that, I’m not sure. But I do know it’s bloody well time.
P.S. The title is from Emma Woolf’s wonderful ‘An Apple A Day’. Nothing could be more apt.